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I have been exercising everyday now for 3 weeks or so. I have been pushing myself more and more within it. It is great because Esteni is doing it with me and she has a lot of experience with aerobics and she is pushing me as well. From the beginning I have been unclear about my own starting-point for doing this, because there is definitely a motive in me for becoming pretty and attractive. But as I am doing the actual exercises, some totally different points emerge within me, and I Realize that I can utilize this even though my startingpoint was fucked and simply change myself within it. It is still a very new experience for me. What happens is that when I am doing the exercises I can only doing it effectively if I am actually in the movements myself. It is simply not possible if I am doing it half way. And as I allow myself to do it all the way, with myself completely in the movements, I experience myself being Here. In my fingertips , in my toes, in my chest.

Today I had been emotional throughout the day and as the time came to do the exercise I was very close to say no. I am sure I am not the only one who has had this experience, where if you are depressed or whatever, then the last thing you want to do, is actually move yourself physically. That’s one of the reasons why people don’t move much, I think. So I did it anyway, but as we were starting, I felt so crappy. It was like the experience brought up how I really felt about and experienced myself, which I had suppressed and ignored without actually being aware of it. What was so strange was that the thoughts was there, but I was tensing myself so that I was not present in my body at all. And then as I started moving, with resistance as we were exercising, I could suddenly feel physically how I ‘d actually experienced myself emotionally or how I’d accepted myself on an emotional level. The experience was profound. I felt clumsy, embarrassed, restrained, ashamed as I started doing the exercises. As we have been doing it, I often feel frustrated and embarrassed when I don’t know how to do the exercises. I have always had trouble with dance moves and coordination moves and another point is that I don’t like it when I am not good at something. But today it was even more extensive . But because I had also had the experience in previous sessions where I had actually done it for myself, being in the movements for and by myself, I was able to push and move myself through it. It is strange, it is like an example of how you can take a shitty experience or where you are fucking around with yourself – and actually change it into an experience and expression of Great Support. I have been doing different exercises. At first I was swimming every day, but now it has become more chilly. What was so cool about it was that I had decided to exercise minimum 30 min. Every day and then within that I could do whatever I wanted to. That gave it a lot of flexibility. So as I was swimming I just changed it around every now and then. Then I would do some sit ups and push ups in the evening. The way I do it now is more like having a personal trainer, which is extremely cool. Esteni knows so many movements and she challenges me in a cool way where it is actually a lot of fun. As we do the exercises I am surprised to find myself actually doing aerobics and even enjoying it

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q-9o6gLwT7c

I feel myself loosing weight - especially on my face, where I can feel the bones sticking more and more out. As I go about this experience, I see how ridiculous this world is in terms of the value we place in images. It is hot to be skiny, a size zero as they say in hollywood. But what is that really? Everyone wanting to become skeletons, with bones sticking out and all. And what are skeletons? They are all the same. What is even more absurd is all these people with ressources, spending so much money, energy and time in becoming skeletons - in loosing all the shit they consumed and accumulated... just to look like someone who has been deprived of food their entire life. Imagine being that starving person - facing someone 'dying' to be skinny. IT IS ABSURD! But it also shows some strange equalibrium - everyone being the same, in one end of the polarity or the other.

In the end - We are all just skin and bones.

My change in lifestyle aka 'The Diet' ( means a way of Life in Latin) is not only about not smoking and eating differently. It is about changing myself and my body, from having existed in self-abuse and self-negligence to actually begin expressing and appreciating myself. The Abuse that Exists in this world, the Negligence that Exist in this world, the Inconsideration that Exist in this World – is the same Abuse, Negligence and Inconsideration that have Existed in me. And as I clearly See and Understand that it is not an Acceptable way of Living, when I look at the World and the outflow of this Acceptance – I have had difficulty in applying it in/for and as myself. And therefore I have also not been able to Support anyone else, let alone Stand up from within it – because I was still Living it. I was still Accepting Self-Abuse, Negligence and Inconsideration as a ‘Way of Life’, in the World as in myself. Therefore this Process is not about losing weight, becoming skinny, pretty, attractive or to gain recognition from someone else. Unfortunately I still see the signs of it in me, (as I have judged it, instead of recognizing it for what it is) as I look into the mirror and enjoyed the fact that I have lost weight or when others comment on it. But I also know that if that was the only reason, I would not be able to do it for long – It would be conditioned and I would not be doing it for me, thus it would just be another way of Abusing myself. But these elements are still ‘there’ – the self-abuse that I have existed within and as, is still there. It is not like just because I made the decision to Stand up – that it is automatically going to happen and I can lean back and enjoy the ride. No – This is something, where I have to watch my every step. There are lots of possible blind spots, where I can dilute myself into Self-Abuse again, and as I have found, it is a matter of consistently, stubbornly and gently to push myself every time it happens. Instead of judging myself, when I fail, lie or make mistakes – I can push myself to Correct and Stand. Because I have made the decision. And I am doing this for me. Because I have never ever done anything for myself in my entire life. And yet, as always, it is all in reverse. Everything I have done and participated within, has been from a starting-point of getting others to see me, to notice me, to appreciate me and accept me. That is Self-Interest. That is being diluted and lost in my own bubble of perceived and self-Accepted inferiority – where all I care about is the energy of someone looking at me, smiling, complimenting me. And everything I do is like an addict hungry for a fix, to get that dose of energy. This is also something that I have not completely stopped. But I see it when it happens and most times I go: “damn, I did it again.” – But I have Realized that it requires my dedication and consistency to ‘make it stop’ – just as it required my active participation in ‘making it start’ - Because I am that which is invested in this mess.
This is how we become Living Words - We Walk, One Step at the Time. But it cannot be done in dishonesty - we will know it. Living means actually changing Everything, not as an idea or a theory or a wish - but an Active, Actual Change. To do this, it has been extremely assisting for me to have a Physical 'Marker'  as for example shaving, not smoking, eating, drinking, having sex etc. Because it is in those moments that we see who we are - How do we Act? How do we Respond? What makes us React? And then We Change - and next time it happens, we Change again... until there is nothing left and we are Simply Here. 

[size=150]DIET – Sounds like DIED
-     ‘Means a way of Life’[/size]

I am constantly thinking about food, how to eat, when to eat and especially what to eat. I have been very confused about this ‘diet/detox/rehab/deprivation’ programme and I can see how I have wanted to replace my way of eating (which I have defined as anarchistic within me) with a bullet proof system I could follow, so to not make mistakes, not fail  and make it easier for myself to keep it going. So I kind of interpreted that the point was to a) eat healthy, b) to stop eating with my emotions and c) to lose weight. I have in that sense been eating according to common knowledge about health, though with the awareness that some of the stuff might be bullshit.
Bernard has kind of been my coach, who once in a while will call on me for something I am eating. First it was the amount of food, then it was taste, then it was coffee, then it was water, then it was the different kinds.
One night I had prepared a meal for myself consisting of Brussels sprouts and broccoli in the good faith that it was the right thing to do as it according to my newly purchased books on the subject are some of the best food there is. Bernard walks into the kitchen and is like; okay, you are trying to eat healthy – now you are going to gain weight instead. He also said, ‘just eat food’ when I in a pitched, self-pitying voice asked: ‘Then what am I supposed to eat?’ I did not understand. And I has made me uncomfortable that I don’t understand. Because that means that I cannot do the right thing, I will make mistakes and I cannot control my way out of this. At the same time I do understand, because very early on, I understood that how Bernard was ‘coaching’ me, was not just for me to lose weight. Some of the things he suggested had nothing to do with health or losing weight. It was a matter of pushing my buttons – which it did. The first time was when he said that I couldn’t drink so much coffee. I had used coffee as a replacement for everything else that I was now deprived from, especially cigarettes, candy and food. Therefore coffee had to go. Then came the water. I had been drinking up to and maybe more than 8 litres of water a day, thinking that it was healthy and good for my body. Bernard said I could only have 8 glassed a day, and even less when I was drinking coffee.
He also said that I had to eat bare bread with nothing on it, not eating according to taste, but simply to fuel the body.
Today we talked about not eating at all, which obviously makes a lot of sense, as we are essentially eating ourselves. Bernard was like: Yeah, why don’t you just stop? I have asked myself that many times and been surprised as to how engrained eating food is within me and within my experience.
He also said: two times a day is sufficient. I understand logically but emotionally I was raging inside and my heart was pounding. I had been saving one of my main meals, which I look very much forward to during the day, until late. As the time of eating came, I took out a frozen lasagne meal and was basically looking forward to eating, craving, starving – but not really, just in my mind. Several people are commenting on my eating, which made me nervous, fear of making mistakes, ready to defend myself. Cerise says I shouldn’t be eating that. Again I reply with a high pitched squeaking voice: “then tell me what to eat”. I basically had the feeling that no matter what I eat, someone will be on my case and tell me that I’m doing something wrong and how unfair that is because I am trying my best. I actually realized when I brought the point of eating the lasagne here, that I did not in fact provide me with anything substantial, nutrition or taste wise. Me eating that instead of for example whole grain bread, is based on a idea about lasagne. And that idea about lasagne is based on a belief that if I eat what I want to – I am free. Yet it is never really what I want to, because it is based on memories, rules, ideas about taste and consistency of certain foods, and is thus as conditioned as it is programmed and fixed before I even put the food into my mouth. So I put the lasagne back and took whole grain bread instead. I added cottage cheese and again Bernard ‘ruined it’ for me by asking me about this food. He basically said that it is unlikely that I will transcend this point in this life, because I am not stopping my emotions. Instead I have used the excuse and control of wanting to understand, which is bullshit, because I just want to understand so that I can control myself out of this – which is obviously impossible. I have accepted this challenge as being extremely difficult, as the point of eating has been so intense and powerful within me. At the same time, there are Common Sense points, wherein it is obvious how I have made this point a key point in me stopping myself from exiting in self-Abuse, participating in energetic and emotional manipulation and basically in stopping myself from existing within and as the mind – as conditioning, based on the Acceptance of myself according to memory, manipulated information and emotional patterns. The food serves as an example, as a way of showing myself and seeing what I am and have been doing. Here is an example: I look at a piece of whole grain bread. It looks boring, dry, serious, healthy – that is how I’ve judged it according to the ‘role’, ‘symbol’ that I have accepted it as according to specific memories and definitions within my life. It also reminds me of my mother, as she would bake this with great devotion and I would get it for lunch everyday in school for years. I also appreciated it and rejoiced with her over the wonders of this bread. It was her specialty. So it is sufficient to say that it is not just bread. It has a meaning, it triggers judgment, like and dislike justified through apparent taste experience. So in my book, eating a piece of whole grain bread without anything on it, is probably like the most boring food in the world. It is also something that girls who really wants to be healthy or lose weight do. (And I am not one of those girls, because I accept myself as I am). Now I eat the piece of bread and because I know it is all I am going to eat. It is my main meal and course for this evening, I slow myself down as I am eating. In utter surprise I realize how good it tastes. And that I can actually recognize different tastes within it, like the poppy, sesame and sunflower seeds. I can actually tell them a part and experience a appreciation for each taste experience. Before I would have chucked it all down. What does this tell me? It tells me that I cannot trust any of my ideas or experiences towards food. Because they are conditioned and based on ideas that are specifically mastered according to my memories, definitions and acceptances of myself since I was a child. They are not objective truths, even though with a lot of tastes for example, many people agree and reinforces the beliefs, which they producers are obviously aware of as they design their product according to feelings of belonging, of keeping traditions, of being cool and so on and so on. But the experience I have of the craving, the lacking or missing out – is physical. It is in my mouth.  
Eating with my emotions. Allowing myself to be dictated by my emotions and then manipulating myself through my environment. My self-Forgiveness is not effective, because I do not Stop. I allow myself to create a process, to postpone and give power to the point, instead of stopping and not allowing it to control me. ‘Self-perpetuating prison’ as Bernard called it.
So when I am about to eat, it is with a whole string of expectations, emotions and conditions tied to ideas about taste, fullness and the like.
I eat 5 portions a day. I might step up to six if I am up for many hours a day. The one time I did it, I felt guilty. But I have decided that it is okay, because I want to keep the body burning fuel and experiencing being full and not go into ‘lock-down’ starvation mode.
Mostly I eat dry toasted bread, fruit or vegetables. I eat rice and rice cakes and meat for dinner most days. Between the 5 meals, two are considered ‘main-meals’. I still eat the same portion as in the other meals, but I eat more substantial food like whole grain bread or an egg. The meals in between is mostly two pieces of toasted bread, rice cakes or fruit.
I drink only 8 glasses of water a day, in which coffee is included. This morning I asked my body what it wanted and thus I had a glass of warm water with lemon and mint leaves, instead of coffee quite to my own surprise. Mostly when I have asked the body, the answer surprises me. It might be ice cream or cheese or some combination of foods that I had never considered before. I did not do that for very long, as I quickly returned to my patterns of eating emotionally. My goal is to develop a completely different way of eating, wherein I eat to nourish myself and in that allow the body to Direct what it requires, instead of me eating with my mind.
The water challenge has been difficult, as has the taste challenge. In the beginning I ate various foods at each meal. I Realized that that was yet another attempt of my mind to manipulate the situation for me again to eat with my mind, calling upon taste, enjoyment and tastelessness and boredom in the other end. So now if I eat fruit, I only eat fruit. If I eat Bread, I only eat Bread. I will however eat an egg as well once in a while. I do still not eat a lot of vegetables. Until now the most filling is the bread and especially the whole grain bread, which toasted an bare has been a surprisingly enjoyable eating experience, as I can now differentiate the different ingredients. I think it has something to do with not mixing so many different kinds of taste. I have discovered that I can monitor and measure myself by simply observing and ‘staying with’ myself as I go from thinking about a food to eating and after having eaten or had a drink. When I ask my body, I immediately get a ‘reply’ , almost like an image, but more like a symbol of taste popping up, only one. Like this morning with the warm water with lemon. But I am not yet certain of how all of this words, because yesterday some people were talking about that as I saw someone else drinking water with lemon, and I know from the eating according to your blood type book, that my type, (A) benefits a lot from doing this in the mornings. I used to do it as well for periods of time. Never the less, I asked my body and that is what ‘popped up’. So I did not judge it. It was not until 11 that I noticed that I hadn’t had a cup of coffee yet. Normally I will have coffee as soon as I get up – as a co pilot of working, a working treat – obviously an idea in my mind. It is also an idea in my mind that I like coffee, because when I then had one, I didn’t like it. And I had one mainly because it was 11 and I had not had one all day. It is strange to see and be convinced of something being a treat, and then not enjoying the actual experience, because the whole ‘image/picture’ of it being so and so and having this or that value – only exists in my mind. It would also mean that the Mind dictates everything and that I blindly follow. So now is the question: Why? Why do I blindly follow? Because this is just one little tiny point as an example of how nothing we do is actually decided and directed by us, but orchestrated by our minds and even more strategically, by the corporate world – who knows us better than we know ourselves. 

I have had the same dream more than 10 times through out the last year. Always in different variations, different settings - but always the same scenario: I am being Physical and enjoying myself by moving my body in some abstract, impossible or amazing way. I feel the muscles stretching to their limit, surprised of what I am capable of. Last time I made a back flip. Another time I was flying and another doing the hoola hoop. Then a man or a boy walks by me, sometimes a boyfriend. I either stop what I am doing, get distracted or simply cannot do it anymore because I am focused on getting HIS attention. As soon as he enters the picture, I don't give a shit about self-expression. I just want him to notice me. Usually he is neutral, talking or walking by me. That is the dream sequence.
Last night I had a similar dream, but it was different this time. I walked into a public pool with some friends. Several men, boyfriends where there as well. The pool was crowded but dim, almost completely dark. I had prepared myself well, all though I was surprised that we were going to the pool. As we arrived I left my friends, I put on glasses, ear plugs and a cap and I went straight to the pool. It was dark and I was calm and determined, as I went into the water.